Anger Management.In the society that we live in, we are brought up to believe that anger is the response of the unenlightened savage to frustration, threat, violation and loss. The more civilised that we become, the more we are urged to keep cool, calm, or turn the other cheek. Because our society conditions us not to become angry, we can allow negative behavioural habits to develop, which include:-

• Unable to feel angry even when we think we should, and so continue abuse of our rights.
• Going ‘over the top’ with rage at the most inappropriate times and places.
• Taking out our frustrations on those closest to use and those unable to defend themselves.
• Crying when we would be able to bawl or shout, or at least argue assertively.
• Rendered speechless and motionless with fury.
• Getting stuck in a depression when faced with a loss instead of becoming angry and healthily completing our grieving process.
• Being too cowardly and passive in the face of other people anger and then torturing ourselves with guilt or shame.
• Unable to control our own anger when those who irritate us are too young, old or sick to handle our outbursts.
• Haunted by nightmares or daydreams of spiteful and violent revenge.
• Running to the doctor with headaches, ulcers and hypertension caused by holding in tight the steam boiling within us.

Anger is a natural emotional response designed to help us to cope with threat, hurt, violation and frustration.The symptoms of anger are not just to be found in our emotions, but also in our bodies, mins and behaviour.At the end of the 19th century, Frued, the father of psycho-analysis argues that individuals are born with an innate aggressive instinct, and when this is blocked, they have a natural urge to become hostile or angry.Since that time, many of Frued’s ideas have been proven incorrect. In 1988 the American Psychological Association and the American Anthropological Association reviewed all the research and concluded that we are not genetically predisposed to violence, nor can it be scientifically related to natural evolutionary processes. Our physiological and genetic make-up does give us the physical equipment with which to become both aggressive and angry, and the manner in which we use it, is very largely determined by our psychological and social development.There are some positive aspects of anger. The first aspect is self protection, where our bodies are aroused into a state where thy can function with maximum physical energy to and our defence in response to potential hurt. This is often referred to as our 'fight’ response. The second is decompression, where our bodies are given a chance to release pent-up physical tension caused by over-exposure to frustration. The safe physical ventilation of anger is an effective way of helping our autonomic nervous system to switch back to its normal relaxed functioning state, which is commonly referred to as the ‘calm after the storm’.

The physical effects of anger include:-

• In response to an electrical stimulation to the hypothalamus area of the brain an extra supply of the hormone adrenaline is secreted and distributed.
• Respiration deepens.
• The heart beats more rapidly.v Blood pressure rises.
• The sympathetic nervous system diverts blood from the skin, liver stomach and intestines to the heart, central nervous system and muscles.
• The digestive processes are suspended.
• Glucose is freed from the reserves in our liver.
• Cortisol production is increased in order to depress the immune system.
• The spleen contracts and discharges its content of concentrated corpuscles.
• Men have an increased supply of the hormone testosterone.

On a personal level, anger produces:-

• Feelings of warmth.
• Heart palpitations.
• Taking deeper breaths than usual.
• Not feeling hungry.
• Clearer and more focused vision.
• More acute hearing.
• Desire to yell out.
• Urge to move our limbs quickly and forcefully.

When we are angry, other people may notice:-

• We are panting.
• Our eyes are more widely open than usual and our pupils are dilated.
• Our facial colour deepens, but then may turn pale.v We are more sensitive to sound.
• We have more physical strength than usual.
• Our voice is louder.
• Our speech is quicker.
• Our movements are quicker.
• Our muscles are tense.

There are many bodily responses that will predispose us to becoming angry, which include:-

• Over-tired.
• Very hungry.
• Hormonal changes, such as pre-menstruation, birth of a baby or menopause.
• Recovery from flu.
• Physical craving for an addictive substance, such as alcohol, caffeine or any drug.
• On a high from using any such drug or substance.
• Suffering from acute pain.
• Worn down from chronic pain.
• Sexual frustration.

It is important to manage anger effectively because mismanaged anger can aggravate mental health problems.Anger can fuel depression, which makes a person feel as if they are enveloped in a dark cloud for a very long time. People who are depressed generally don’t take care of themselves and they may not bother to eat properly, dress smartly or work efficiently. They indulge in self destructive activities, such as too much drinking, smoking, eating, taking risks, and not watching their finances. Depressed people have less energy, reduced appetite, and need more sleep. Their work performance will drop and relationships will deteriorate.Many people believe that depression is in fact anger turned inward. The reason for this assumption is because many depressives react to stress by turning their anger inward as a response to physical or emotional abuse, or neglect from parents or parent figures. After a while the coping mechanisms become habits that they use inappropriately and indiscriminately whenever they perceive loss or frustration.Depressives tend to grow up believing that if they are hurt or abused, there are merely two options available, which are self blame and denial of blame.One knock-on effect of the depressive’s denial of anger is that their personal relationship are often unhappy and they do not get the ‘breaks’ that other people seem to get. They may not get promotions, social invitations or love because the reality is that most people do not want to be around depressed people for any length of time, both at home and at work.Another side effect of anger is that it can fuel obsessions, phobias and addictions. Obsessions and phobias arise from situations when, for some reason or another, we feel we are either losing control of ourselves or the world around us.Anger can also fuel manic tendencies. Many people who are not able to express their anger let it out in furious activity. Sometimes this activity reaches a breaking point and results in depression, which is commonly referred to as bipolar disorder.Anger can also fan the flames of paranoia and prejudice, even in normal, everyday situations.People tend to express their anger either passively or aggressively with the basic ‘flight’ response, which is repression and denial of anger. Aggressive behaviour is associated with the ‘fight’ response and the use of the verbal and physical power of anger to abuse and hurt others.

Passive anger can be expressed in the following ways:-

• Secretive behaviour, such as stockpiling resentments that are expressed behind people’s backs or through sly digs, giving the silent treatment or under the breath mutterings, avoiding eye contact, putting people down, gossip, anonymous complaints, poison pen letters, graffiti, stealing, conning.
• Manipulation, such as provoking people to aggression and then patronising forgiveness, provoking aggression but staying on the sidelines, emotional blackmail, tearfulness, feigning illness, sabotaging relationships, using sexual provocation, using a third party to convey negative feelings, withholding money or resources.
• Self blame, such as apologising too often, being overly critical, inviting criticism.
• Self sacrificing, such as being overly helpful, pointedly making do with second best, quietly making long suffering signs but refusing help, or lappin gup gratefulness and making friendly digs where it is not forthcoming.
• Ineffectual, such as setting yourself and others up for failure, choosing unreliable people to depend on, being accident prone, underachieving, sexually imptence, expressing frustration at insignificant things but ignoring serious ones.
• Dispassionate, such as giving the cold shoulder or phoney smiles, looking cool, setting on the fence while others sort things out, dampening feelings with substance abuse (to include overeating), oversleeping, not responding to other’s anger, frigidity, indulging in sexual practices that depress spontaneity and make objects of participants, giving inordinate amounts of time to machines, objects or intellectual pursuits, talking of frustrations but showing no feeling.
• Obsessional behaviour, such as needing to be clean and tidy, making a habilt of constantly checking, over-dieting or overeating, demanding that all jobs are done perfectly.
• Evasiveness, such as turning your back in a crisis, avoiding conflict, not arguing back, becoming phobic.

Aggressive anger can be displayed as:-

• Threatening, such as frightening people by saying how you could harm them, their property or their prospects, finger pointing, fist shaking, wearing clothes associated with violent behaviour, driving on someone’s tail, setting on a car horn, carrying guns and knives, slamming doors.
• Hurtful, such as physical violence, verbal abuse, unfair jokes, breaking a confidence, playing loud music, using foul language, ignoring people’s feelings, wilfully discriminating, blaming or punishing people for deeds they are known not to have committed, labelling others.
• Destructive, such as harming objects, deliberately wasting resources, wantonly polluting the environment, knowingly destroying a relationship between two people, driving recklessly, drinking too much.
• Bullying, such as threatening people, persecuting, pushing or shoving, using power to oppress, shouting, suing a powerful car to force someone off the road, purposely glaring at people with full beam headlights, playing on people’s weaknesses.
• Unjustly blaming, such as accusing other people for your own mistakes, blaming people for your own feelings, making general accusations.
• Manic, such as speaking too fast, walking too fast, working too much and expecting others to fit in, driving too fast, reckless spending.
• Grandiose, such as showing off, expressing mistrust, not delegating, being a poor loser, wanting centre stage all the time, not listening, talking over people’s heads, expecting kiss and make-up sessions to solve problems.
• Selfish, such as ignoring other’s needs, not responding to requests for help, queue jumping, ‘cutting in’ when driving.
• Revengeful, such as being over-punitive, refusing to forgive and forget, bringing up hurtful memories from the past.
• Unpredictable, such as blowing hot and cold, explosive rages over minor frustrations, attacking indiscriminately, dispensing punishment out of the blue, inflicting harm on other just for the hell of it, using drink and drugs that are known to destabilise mood, using illogical arguments.

It is always best to handle anger assertively, examples of which are:-

• Direct, such as not beating around the bush, making behaviour visible and conspicuous, using body language to indicate feelings clearly and honestly, anger directly at persons concerned.
• Honourable, such as making it apparent that there is some clear moral basis for the anger, being prepared to argue your case, never using manipulation or emotional blackmail, never abusing another person’s basic human rights, never unfairly depowering the weak or defenceless, taking responsibility for actions.
• Focuses, such as sticking to the issue of concern, not bringing up irrelevant material.
• Persistent, such as repeating the expression of feeling in the argument over and over again, standing your ground.
• Courageous, such as taking calculated risks, enduring short term discomfort for long term gain, risking displeasure of some people some of the time, taking the lead, not showing fear of other’s anger, standing outside the crowd and owing up to differences, using self-protective skills.
• Passionate, such as using full power of the body to show intensity of feeling, being excited and motivated, acting dynamically and energetically, initiating change, showing fervent caring, being fiercely protective, enthusing others.
• Creative, such as thinking quickly, using more wit, spontaneously coming up with new ideas and new views on subjects.
• Forgiving, such as demonstrating a willingness to hear other people’s anger and grievances, showing an ability to wipe the slate clean once anger has been expressed.

When thinking in terms of assertiveness, every person has certain rights. Twelve of these rights are:-

1. The right to ask for what we want. 2. The right to have an opinion, feelings, emotions and to express them appropriately. 3. The right to make statements that have no logical basis and we do not have to justify. 4. The right to make our own decisions and deal with the consequences. 5. The right to choose whether or not to get involved in the problems of someone else. 6. The right not to know about something and not to understand. 7. The right to make mistakes. 8. The right to be successful. 9. The right to change our mind. 10. The right to privacy. 11. The right to be alone and independent. 12. The right to change ourselves and be assertive people.

People are entitled to express their anger appropriately, which includes:- 1. The right to feel angry when frustrated. 2. The right to feel angry when disheartened. 3. The right to feel angry when hurt. 4. The right to feel angry when attacked. 5. The right to feel angry when oppressed. 6. The right to feel angry when exploited. 7. The right to feel angry when manipulated. 8. The right to feel angry when cheated. 9. The right to feel angry when needs are ignored. 10. The right to feel angry when let down. 11. The right to feel angry when rejected. 12. The right to feel angry when health, welfare, happiness and peace is threatened. 13. The right to feel angry when survival is threatened. 14. The right to feel angry when other’s rights are abused or threatened. 15. The right to feel angry when valued items are abused or neglected. 16. The right to feel angry when something or someone of value is lost. 17. The right to express anger safely and assertively. 18. The right to choose not to express anger and accept consequences of any responsibility for that choice. 19. The right to encourage others to express anger safely and assertively. 20. The right to protect oneself from passive or aggressive anger.Some people refuse to accept or express their anger, and can find themselves being too nice.

There are consequences of being too nice, which include:-

• We block potential for personal growth.
• We block potential for growth in others.
• We limit our chances of intimacy.
• We curtail our passion.
• We inhibit our sexuality.
• We become insufferably self-righteous.
• We may limit our chances of success and financial reward.
• We can be used and abused.